


Connor's apple tree

by disgraceRavenclaw



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Connor and evan were friends, Connor isn't okay, Death, Gore, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, OH GOD WHY, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad, Self Loathing, So if u have a fear of that then GTFO, Suicide, Trees, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but its dead, ghost!evan, i literally wrote this in a fit of inspiration to be terrible, like just some stuff about blood, mild gore tho, nevermind, otherwise keep reading, the story is over, this is supposed to hurt you, this story is dead, turn back now while you still can, well theres 6 chapters done, you can go home
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2018-12-10 00:30:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11680263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disgraceRavenclaw/pseuds/disgraceRavenclaw
Summary: Evan did not break his fall from the tree with his arm. It was broken with his head.Connor Murphy did not expect to come into school and learn his best friend, the one he promised the world to, the one that kept him alive and sane, was dead. He also did not expect to see him again at that tree. Now that he knows he can reach out to Evan's spirit, words left unsaid begin to resurface, and Connor tries desperately to keep Evan here.





	1. The beginning of the end

**Author's Note:**

> Remember to comment, and tell the food in your fridge about this chapter, as it will keep away the dark and haunting memories of my past so that I can continue my story.

Evan sat on a branch high above the ground. He listened to the birds chirping around him. He remembered coming to this Orchard many times before. He smiled, thinking back on it.

_“Hurry up, slow ass!”_  
_Evan felt the tall grass of the yellow field brushing up against his legs as he ran after Connor. Him and Connor had been here all day, and the sun was beginning to set. Connor’s hair flew back in the wind as he raced towards a tall tree, a smile beaming on his face. Evan felt out of breath, supporting his weight on the trunk of the tree that Connor was leaning against._  
_“You’re getting pretty slow, Hansen.” Connor smirked. Evan shook his head and laughed. “You have long legs! That’s no fair to me, man…” Evan caught his breath, and stood up. Connor looked up at the huge, thick branches. He hummed, before jumping up to grab a low hanging branch, and heaving himself onto it. Evan chuckled, before following him onto the branch. They sat on that branch for a while. Connor leaned back onto the trunk, turning to Evan. Evan looked back at him._  
_“You know what, Evan? My home is just so dysfunctional...School is an absolute mess...right now, I think there’s nowhere else i’d rather be.”_  
_Evan felt his face becoming hot. He looked away and grinned bashfully._

_“Me too.”_

Evan feels his chest beginning to burn at the memory. He looks at the ground beneath his feet. His throat begins to close up, and he can feel a tear trailing down his face, the wind leaving a streak of icy numbness. He considers climbing back down, when another memory resurfaces.

_Evan flinched at the sound of metal meeting brick. He looked at the lighter on the ground, then back up at Connor. He was gritting his teeth, and looked incredibly tense. Evan stepped a bit closer, but flinched when Connor shouted, “GET OUT!”_  
_Evan just looked at Connor. “Connor,” he began to choke out, “I want to-”_  
_“Help?” Connor finished it for him. “You want to help me? You think I’m so fucked up that I need help, huh? Is that it?!” Evan shook his head, “No-”, but was cut off again._  
_“Well NEWSFLASH, Hansen; i’m just your average totally irreversibly fucked up person. I’m past the point of fixing! I’ll just end up burning myself out, and I want to do it all by myself! I don’t need Zoe and my Parents getting on my case, I don’t need a therapist to spout some hippie happy bullshit and shove a pill down my throat, and I sure as fucking HELL don’t need you in my life to lie to me, and tell me that i’ll be alright. I’m tired of your whole “Everything is okay” mantra, because it doesn’t get better than this, Evan! We’re never going to get better, can’t you see that?!”_  
_Evan felt his eyes brimming with tears. He turned out of the room, and ran down the hall._

Evan snapped out of the vision, feeling the cold of the wind on his face, and realized he had been crying the entire time. He shook his head. Connor didn’t want him. Connor had never wanted him. He pretended to like Evan, out of pity. He thought Evan was pathetic. No, maybe something more malicious; he thought Evan was just too much of an idiot to realize. Maybe Connor found some form of entertainment in acting nice to Evan. Evan sighed. He looked around at the scene in front of him.  
The yellow fields swayed, dancing to the whistling the wind made in the trees and the singing of birds in the distance. Evan focused on the sound of birds, specifically. He admired birds a lot. How they didn’t have anything to make them worry, they could go anywhere in the world if they wanted to. It’s because they could fly.  
Evan shut his eyes for a moment, wondering what it would be like to fly. To leap from a tree, and with just the flap of a wing, soar through the air to somewhere totally new, and free of all worries. Evan wondered what it would be like to just glide through the air, and all he would have to do is just fall from his spot in the tree.  
Evan let himself slip backwards off of the tree, but didn’t bother to move, or to fly. He felt the cold ground hitting his back and began to go numb.


	2. The Announcement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to comment, and tell a spider in your house, preferably the largest one, about this chapter, as it will give me eight extra fingers so that I can continue this story.

Connor hated school. The teachers were overbearing, the work was confusing, the assignments were stressful, the kids were assholes, and the food they served tasted like someone shoved it up their ass and shat it back out onto a tray. Connor found only one solace in his school career; Evan Hansen.

Their friendship was nothing short of a miracle caused by an isolated coincidence. Connor pushed Evan in the hallway, and Evan had actually seeked Connor out to apologize for being a bother. Connor couldn’t help feeling for the guy, he looked like a kicked puppy. They sat together at lunch, they were paired up for projects, and eventually, their whole day started revolving around each other. 

When Connor was getting overwhelmed by his dysfunctional family at his (and each other’s) throat, he would slip out through the back door, hop the fence, and make his way to Evan’s little one story home away from home. He and his mom were very hospitable and caring, and Connor once spent every night there for a fortnight. He thought he would become a nuisance, but the Hansens were still as welcoming as they always were. 

Connor knew he didn’t appreciate that nearly enough as he should have. Sometimes, he would act out-right abusive towards Evan. He regretted his actions, but that didn’t make them okay. Evan had encouraged him to get help, and he turned him down. Connor didn’t have the guts to talk about the incident the next day, but he felt horrible.

Those feelings were amplified by the announcement.

Connor had wondered what was going on with Jared. He averted his eyes, and even glared at Connor in an unfamiliar way. It wasn’t his usual taunting visage, smirk plastered on his annoying face, it held real strength. Evan must have told Jared about the incident, which means Evan must have been upset. Connor felt his heart sinking even further; he was tired of hurting Evan, and he didn’t want to do it anymore. Suddenly, Ms. Peretti stood up at the front of the class, and hushed everyone. 

“Class,” she started, her usual cheery voice weighed down by a block of gloom, “I’m afraid there is terrible news I must share with you,” Everyone listened closer, and Connor looked back at Jared, who looked at the wall, eyes beginning to water. Connor turned back to Ms. Peretti.

“On wednesday night, One of our peers, Evan Hansen, committed suicide by jumping from a tree.”

Connor’s heart plummeted through the ground. 

Ms. Peretti continued. “We understand this news may be...shocking, to many of you. The school counselor has set up a speech to be given in the auditorium later today on the effects of bullying and depression on the mind of a teen. Evan Hansen will be dearly missed by all of us.”

Connor wanted so desperately to deny this. He wanted to tune everything out, to convince himself that Evan was okay, that he was alive, and that later today they could meet up at the tree like they always did, but mostly that he didn’t do it because of Connor. Connor wanted to scream, cry, shout, fight, claw at his skin, anything to distract himself from the grief and the guilt. But he was forced to stay quiet. He held back his emotions, he tried his damn hardest, and did that for the rest of the day. 

The speech was the worst part of the day. Connor had to sit through a speech about how suicide isn’t the answer, and what bullying could lead to, when all Connor wanted was some kind of consolation, some way to ignore the nauseating pressure in his chest, have a reason to forget Evan even existed, to just drop the pain and move on. It’s what Connor always did.

When the bell rang, everyone was dismissed. Connor listened closely to his peers as they walked by. Some students were suspended in a disturbed silence, but many more carried normal, cheery conversations, as if Evan hadn’t existed. Connor felt a feud spark within himself; part of him wanted nothing more than to be like that, another part wanted to shout at them and remind them of who they had lost, but part of him that was bigger than both of those kept him silent until he reached his Car. 

The whole way home, Connor blasted whatever annoying pop music was on the radio until it was driving him crazy. He clutched the wheel in such anger that his knuckles had gone completely white, and he could feel the imprint of leather on his palms. When he returned home, Zoe was already there, sitting on the stairs.

Zoe knew about Connor being friends with Evan. The topic hadn’t been brought up much, so their parents didn’t even know the kid. Connor would rather try to commit again than have Evan anywhere near his nutcase parents.

At least, he would’ve, if Evan hadn’t…

Connor cut the thought off immediately, not letting it go any further. Zoe stood up as Connor approached the house, and began to speak. “I’m sorry about what happened. Are you okay?”

Connor ignored her, walking up to the door. Zoe persisted. “Hey, just...answer me. Are you going to snap or something? You look like it.”

Connor froze, hand gripping the door handle. His snappy tone was diluted to a desolate growl as he replied. “How about you keep talking to me and find out.” After a disheartening silence, it was obvious Zoe wouldn’t press any further. Connor opened the door, shuffling inside quickly.

Cynthia smiled, and greeted him, but it fell on deaf ears; Connor ignored her and trudged upstairs to his room. As he climbed upstairs, his actions became rushed and urgent, anger burning hot under his skin, and he had almost torn his bedroom door straight off of it’s hinges with the strength and speed at which he flung it open. He stepped back from the open door, lifted his foot, reeled back, and kicked the door closed with intense fury.

Connor took in a sharp breath, grabbed a pillow, and screamed into it until his throat hurt. He was half convinced it was a subconscious attempt to smother himself. When he was done screaming, he threw the pillow at a shelf of books, successfully knocking down a majority of them. He grabbed an old notebook he had used to draw in, and began tearing the pages out, one by one, until he was left with a messy stack. Some papers he had ripped until they were small shreds. Others he had set on fire and held them, watching them burn until the fire was searing his fingers, and smoke filled the air, burning his eyes and making him nauseous. 

After that, deeming all of his actions useless in relieving himself of his anger, he threw his dresser drawer open and began searching for the small silver blade. Suddenly, a memory flooded back to him.

_ “You can’t keep doing this.” _

_ Evan held Connor’s wrist lightly, running a thumb over the scars as gently as his shaky hands would allow, so as not to irritate them. Connor felt shame rising hot on his face. “It helps me Evan.” _

_ Evan looked up at Connor, and Connor had just then realized the tears leaking from evan’s eyes, and the tears beginning to cloud his own vision. _

_ “Connor, it’s hurting you. You’re in pain, you’re bleeding… this doesn’t help you. It doesn’t make any of the problems go away-” _

_ “But it does!” Connor began to argue. “It makes everything go away for a second-” _

_ “And ONLY for a second!” Evan interjected. “Everything that makes you self harm is still going to be there after it’s over, the only difference is that now you’re in as much pain on the outside as you were on the inside.” _

_ The statement was painfully accurate, and Connor had wondered at the time if Evan knew it from experience. He didn’t like the thought. _

_ Evan looked back down at Connor’s arms, his tears collecting on his cheeks and falling onto the ground. “Connor...please. Try other methods. There ARE other methods! Scream into a pillow, hold ice in your hand, flick a rubber band at your wrist, distract yourself with books, or music, or art, but please, can you promise me not to hurt yourself like this again?” _

_ Connor nodded. “Okay. I promise. But what if I...relapse?” The word was ugly in any context, and Connor hated using it. It left a bitter aftertaste on his tongue. Evan looked at Connor, and Connor noted the grief in his pale blue eyes. “You can talk to me. Whenever you need me, text me, call me, come to my house, if you’re ever feeling the need to self harm again, please tell me.” Connor nodded. They sat there in silence for a while, both of them crying and whispering reassurance to one another, before they both ended up falling asleep. _

Connor felt himself being pulled away from the memory when something pricked his finger. He drew back, hissing. He looked in the drawer, and a silver gleam caught his eye. He reached in and took the blade out, holding it in his hands, cradling it as if it were alive.

A feeling of guilt shook him. He would be breaking his promise. He had promised Evan that he wouldn’t relapse. Connor shook his head, holding the blade up to the light. Evan was not there, and he wouldn’t know if Connor had self harmed. Connor held the blade to his arm, and began pressing, before looking at the light pink marks all over him arms. 

They had faded so much over the past three months. The realization hit Connor like a brick; Connor was three months clean. That was a quarter of a year. That was the longest he had gone since he was 13; the age he had started cutting. He went that long all because of a promise he made to Evan. He remembered how horrible he had been to Evan already, how awful the events of about two weeks ago played out, and how much he wanted to cut after it took place. He didn’t remember cutting after it took place. He didn’t. He made a promise to Evan.

Connor had already treated Evan so terribly, it wouldn’t be right to break the promise they had for three entire months now. It didn’t matter if Evan wouldn’t know. It was deceitful and backstabbing, and Connor couldn’t bring himself to do it. He shakily removed the blade from his wrist. He dropped it at his feet, sobbing.

Connor felt lost in his own head. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he wanted. Maybe he just wanted to feel angry. Maybe he wanted to blame himself. Maybe he wanted to text or call Evan and let out all of his aggression and hear Evan’s comforting words after Connor was done screaming his heart out, just like he always did.

Connor picked up the blade and threw it across the room, opting instead to fall down on his mattress, and attempted to dry his eyes. He felt tired, sickened at the pace of the world passing him by. He wanted to sink into the ground, let it consume him entirely, and disappear from the world forever. He wanted to forget. He wanted, more specifically, to forget about Evan. He wanted to do something and face no repercussions. He wanted to be totally free of anything that bounded him to this life; school, family, emotions…

He needed to sleep. He was exhausted.  He let his eyes falls closed, pulling his velvety black comforter over him, and curling under it tightly. It didn’t take him very long to fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter question is: What is Connor avoiding?  
> The first person to answer this correctly will recieve a lifetime supply of sponge cake.  
> Oh and they also get a shout out and a tbh or whatever
> 
> This chapter's winner:  
> That_hamilfan  
> Their answer was "he thinks that everyone in his life hates him and him thinking Connor was his last straw to killing himself because he thinks that nobody wants him"  
> TBH, That hamilfan has THE BEST profile picture, its so very nice


	3. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for descriptive gore. It's only for a moment. Mostly blood and slight mention of visible bone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to comment, and tell the man with no legs or arms that lives in the shadows of your downstairs bathroom about this chapter, as it will send me a life supply of clementine oranges so that I can continue my story

He dreamed that he was at the old abandoned orchard. He only ever came here with Evan. He looked around, knowing Evan must be here somewhere. He looked up at the huge oak on the hill, and saw Evan sitting on a large branch. Connor saw the lost, helpless look on his face, and realized what was going to happen.

Evan began tilting backwards, and Connor started sprinting towards the hill. He shouted out to Evan, trying to get his attention. “EVAN! STOP!” he screamed, but to no avail. Evan began toppling backwards off of the tree branch, And Connor willed himself to run even faster. His legs ached because of the speed at which he was going, in a desperate attempt to save him. _Just a little bit further, Connor! If you could just-_

Connor stopped a few yards away from the tree as a sickening thud echoed through the field. Evan’s limp body lay resting at the base of the great Oak. Connor felt bile rising in his throat, but he couldn’t look away. Blood ran through the grass from Evan’s head, soaking into the ground. Evan’s arm was twisted and gnarled, a shard of bone sticking out. His once vivacious blue eyes were a blank and lifeless frosty grey. Connor felt the horror stinging his bones and crushing his chest. He wanted to cry, to scream and shout and yell that it wasn’t fair, _it wasn’t fair, he was almost there, He could have saved him!_ But his mouth wouldn’t open, as he was keeping his jaws clenched tightly in disturbance at the sight. He shakily moved towards Evan, getting a closer look at what had happened. He got about three feet away before he couldn’t get any closer, and he felt his knees begin to weakly give out from under him.

He fell down on his knees, eyes still locked on Evan, and his hands fell on the ground to steady himself. His eyes followed the trailing puddle of blood from Evan’s head, all the way to Connor’s hands. Connor looked at his hands, reluctantly lifting them to reveal that they were completely stained red.

“Connor.”

Connor looked up, startled. Evan was sitting on his knees, back resting on the tree trunk. Blood still trickled down his neck, and his arm hung limply by his side. Connor began to scoot back. Evan stared at him with those gray, lifeless eyes, boring into him and instilling an irrational feeling of despair and shame.

“That’s my blood on your hands, Connor.”

Connor woke up in a cold sweat from his nightmare. His breathing felt heavy and rushed. The silence surrounding him was sickening. He jumped at the sound of a harsh knock. Before he could answer it, Zoe opened the door. “Hey bro, dinner’s ready, why didn’t you answer when Mom called you?”

Connor shook his head. “I was sleeping. Tell her i’m not hungry.” but Zoe just glared at him. “You have to eat, Connor, mom made dinner for you and you should-”

Connor cut her off. “I said i’m not fucking hungry, Zoe.” His voice cut through the room. Zoe just stared at him. “What’s wrong with you?”

Connor glared at her. “Get out.”

Zoe shook her head. “This is about Evan, isn’t it?”

Connor felt anger rising in his throat. “Zoe. Get out of my room.”

Zoe looked at him. “It is. Connor, i’m sorry about what happened. But you need to eat anyway, you’ll still starve even is Evan is-”

Connor picked up a book and threw it at the wall. “I SAID GET OUT OF MY ROOM!” he screeched. He saw the fear in Zoe’s eyes turn into anger, and watched as she stomped out of his room without another word.

Connor immediately felt shame rise within him. Zoe didn’t deserve that. He was just so angry. He needed to go somewhere. Anywhere. He bolted downstairs quickly and quietly, hoping his family wouldn’t hear or see him.

When he successfully got outside, he took his keys out of his pocket, got in his car, and started it. He hit the gas as hard as he could, starting to speed down the street. He didn’t bring a map, and he didn’t have his phone up with a GPS. He didn’t know where he was going. He was just going. As the sun began to fall farther down, he saw the entrance to the orchard just around the corner. Connor didn’t want to go there. He wanted to go somewhere to forget everything, not remember it. Nevertheless, he felt a force pulling him towards the trail, and complied.

Connor felt his hands shaking as he entered the woods. This place was so familiar to him, it was unnerving. The welcoming setting sun felt wrong considering the circumstances. A dark purple blanket covered the sky, threatening to let loose rain. The lack of warmth from the sun made the atmosphere cold and fearful. An unsettling, conflicted emotion that had no name began to seep into Connor’s bones, making him shiver. He parked his car, and stepped out of it onto the dry dirt path. He looked up at the great big Oak tree on the hill that he and Evan sat beneath during the summer months, drawing their own constellations in the sky. A memory began to settle in.

_“Have you mapped it yet?”_

_Connor held a piece of paper with an (almost) accurate mapping of the sky, His pen flowed from dot to dot. “Almost!” He finished, having mapped out a long, ribbon-like portrait with a hook on the end. He looked at it, and smiled. He brought his head up to glance at Evan. “We’re starting to run out of room, you know.”_

_Evan smiled. He gazed up at the sky in thought. Connor scooted closer to him. “So…” he said, “What’s your zodiac?”_

_Evan’s grin began to grow. “It’s the one up there, next to what we just mapped.” He pointed up at the hooked constellation, and a little to the left, where a Y shape stood. Connor smirked. “I see, Betula Papyrifera?” Evan nodded. Connor laughed. “I think that’s my favorite.”_

Connor shook his head to clear his mind of the memory. He felt tears beginning to fall from his face. God, he missed that. Connor shut his car door, and began walking slowly up to the tree. Remembering his dream, he feared what he might see there.

Connor reached the top of the hill, looking at the base of the tree. There was no body, but he gagged at the slight red stain on the grass. He sat next to the stain, being extra careful not to touch it. This is the last place his best friend had been. Connor looked up at the sun, watching it creep just below the horizon. At the very least Evan had a good view.

Suddenly, a drop of water fell on Connor’s head. He looked up, as he felt more droplets landing on his face like pinpoints of ice. It was beginning to rain. Connor sighed.  He knew something would have to tear him away from this place. He looked up and the tree, and had an idea.

He jumped up, grabbing a thick branch, and heaved himself onto it. He put one foot onto it to get a grip, then the other foot onto the next branch above it. Connor didn’t know what he was doing, but he knew his idea had been grim. He started to climb higher up into the tree. Before he could reach the very top, he heard the branches beginning to shake. His grip, already hindered by the wetness of the rain, was suddenly torn from the branch, as he began to fall backwards.

Time seemed to slow down. So this was it. This was how he was going to die. In the very same spot his best friend had spent days with him, talking away about the required summer reading, eating ice cream and mapping out constellations. Connor shut his eyes. He decided against it. He should have stayed a little longer, he should have thought it through.

Connor didn’t want the story to end.

He didn’t want to die.

“I don’t want to die,” he choked out.

It was then that he realized he was on the ground. He felt no pain, other than a bit of soreness in his back. He was just laying down on the ground, grass tickling his face. It took his a second to comprehend was had just happened. He had fallen from about 50 feet high and came out of it completely uninjured. He was alive.

He was staring directly into the canopy of the tree at a fluorescent figure. It was short, and stocky. It sat on the branch above him, looking down at him, and it swung it's feet back and forth. It’s eyes were an effervescent sky blue.

“Evan?” Connor managed to mumble. He squinted to get a better look, but the figure looked out behind Connor, and began to climb into the leaves, hiding from...something.

“Connor!”

Connor tilted his head back, his world flipped upside down. Zoe was sprinting at him full speed. He flipped himself over, and began to get up, still a bit hazy from what just happened. “Zoe…?”

Zoe skidded to a halt as he got up. “You fucking idiot! I thought you were dead! I just saw you lying at the base of the tree that Evan-”

Connor cut her off. “Zoe, how did you GET here?” Zoe just looked at him. “I saw you leaving, So I ran to follow you. What are you even DOING HERE?” She threw her hands up in a wild gesture toward Connor. Connor stared at Zoe, and just shrugged indifferently. Zoe let her hands drop as she leaned forward. “I think Evan’s...fall...is affecting you pretty badly.” Connor huffed. “I’m fine. I just…” He looked back at the tree. “I wanna see him again, Zo…”

Zoe frowned at the desolace in his voice. “Come on, Connor,” she said calmly, placing a tentative hand on his shoulder, “let’s go home.” Connor looked at her, before nodding, and following her to his car. She grabbed the driver door’s handle. “I think it’s best if I drive,” she reasoned. “You don’t look so good.” Connor sneered, but got in the passenger’s seat. As Zoe began to start up the car, Connor looked back at the tree, and saw a silhouette standing beneath the tree. It was short, and stocky. Its eyes were an effervescent sky blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter question is: What is Evan's zodiac?  
> The first person to answer this correctly will recieve approximately 121393 female beetles.  
> Oh and they also get a shout out and a tbh or whatever
> 
> This chapter's winner:  
> thefoxiestpotato79  
> Their answer was "The reality that the only person who kept him grounded and made things as close to okay as he felt they could get is gone forever while life continues as if he didn't exist."  
> TBH, 79 isn't a fibonacci number and therefore i distrust you but you're smart as hell so A+


	4. The Conclusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to comment, and tell your favorite dog, the very best boy about this chapter, as it will restore my faith in humanity and make me feel like my creative writing is being put to use to let people have enjoyment and appreciate the underlying message of the story.
> 
>  
> 
> so that I can continue my story.

When Zoe and Connor got back home, Larry gave Connor an earful.

“Do you have any idea what time of night it is???” he asked rhetorically. “You can’t just LEAVE without telling us where you’re going! That’s irresponsible, and dangerous! Why can you never think about your actions? What the HELL were you even doing at the goddamn ORCHARD no less??” Connor opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off. “Were you MEETING someone there?? Connor, the weather out is atrocious, you could have gotten hurt by your recklessness!”

Connor gritted his teeth together. He held his keys balled up in his fist, squeezing them like a stress toy, which if it were, would have long since been popped. Larry glared at Connor. He held his hand out. Connor just stared at his hand in confusion, then back at Larry. Larry just looked him straight in the eye, holding his hand’s out a little more. “Keys.”

Connor felt anger burning in his stomach. “Larry-”

“KEYS, Connor.”

Connor glared at Larry, eyes squinting tightly, and a snarl plastered onto his face. He lifted his hand up, open palm, to show the keys, then threw them into Larry’s hand with such force, Larry almost tripped. Connor stomped upstairs to his room. Once he was back in his room, he threw himself face first onto the bed. He had to think.

He tried jumping from a tree to kill himself and something had stopped him.

There was no other logical answer, ignoring how illogical the conclusion itself was. Connor couldn’t survive a fall of 50 feet without at least sustaining some crazy bad injuries. If he was slowed by the branches, he would have felt them hitting him; he was completely free falling, only the wind was whipping his face. He saw something sitting on the branch above him, looking at him. With sky blue eyes he swore he’d seen before. The short and stocky, somewhat plump body shape, the barely deciphered features of it’s face, the convenient location.

It was Evan.

 _No,_ Connor thought, _I was seeing things. I probably just fell and got a head injury, and now i’m seeing things._ But after a quick assessment, Connor found that no, he wasn’t hallucinating right now. He could make sense of where he was, who he was, and what was real. He found that no, his head wasn’t sore or hurting, and he didn’t feel it’s impact on the ground; he would’ve. So it must have been real. _But why didn’t Zoe see him?_ Well, he hid when she arrived. _So then why wasn’t he speaking to me?_ But Connor felt like he knew the answer.

Suddenly, there was a knock on his door. He ignored it in favor of thinking this all through. _So he does hate you for what you did. The evidence is all there. You can map it all out like a story._ Another knock on his door, one he didn’t hear. _After the accident, Evan ran crying to Jared. That’s why Jared hates you._ Another knock, more urgent. _Then he thought it over and decided you weren’t worth it. That’s why HE hates you._ Another chain of knocks, more urgent than the last. _And then, he decided he hated you SO MUCH that he-_

“Connor, sweetie?”

Connor looked at his bedroom door. It was Cynthia. He hesitated, before getting up to open his door. Cynthia’s face held a sense of worry, changing the mood in the room to something more sincere. “Hello, Connor… can I come in?”

Connor stared at her, searching her eyes for some sign of malevolence, but when he found none, he stepped away from the door slowly to let her in. She looked around at the room in all of it’s messy glory, and sighed. She sat down on the bed, and patted the space next to her, expectingly. Connor shrugged, and sat down.

“Connor,” she started, “I’m sure you’re very upset that we took your car keys.” Connor glared at her. “Yeah, you think?” his sarcastic tone was slightly dampened by his strained throat, he felt like he was going to cry. Cynthia noticed this, and hugged him. “Honey, is something going on? You’re very upset today.”

Connor shrugged, biting the inside of his lip. “I don’t know, it’s just a bad day,” he lied, deciding not to mention what had happened. Cynthia nodded. “I understand that, honey. It’s just that…” She looked away, searching for the right words. “It’s just...you know that we’re only doing this because we’re worried about you. We aren't mad at you, we were just scared. Zoe got up suddenly and told us she saw you leave and...Well the last time you left without telling us…” She looked away from him.

Connor sensed the tension, and decided to just get it over with. “I tried to jump off of a bridge. It’s fine, it happened. You can say that.” Connor understood perfectly why they were worried for him, but he just couldn’t find it within himself to care. If anything, the thought of them worrying made him feel like they didn’t trust him; though in all fairness, why should they?

Cynthia pursed her lips, and continued. “Why did you go to the orchard, sweetie?” Connor stared at her, trying to think of an excuse. “It’s nice there.” _Well, that’s not exactly a LIE._ “Today’s just been a bad day from the start, and i’m stressed, and I knew if I told you I was leaving you’d ask where I was going, and question my motives, and I just...I didn’t want to deal with that. So i just went.”

Cynthia seemed satisfied with the answer. “Well,” she said, “as long as you tell us the next time you go to the orchard, i’m sure your father and I will allow you to visit it more.” Connor nodded. Cynthia smiled, and pat his back. “Have you eaten yet?” Connor nodded his head again. “Zoe made me eat something.” That was a lie. He just wanted to sleep. Cynthia got up from the bed, and went to the door. “Alright.” She flipped off the light. “Goodnight, Connor.”

Connor heard the door creak quietly closed, and he resumed his position, face buried in his pillow. _Evan hates me. I have proof now. Everything about the situation, the silence, him staying on the branch, the very fact that he had jumped._

_Wait._

Connor lifted his head. _If Evan hates me, then why was he there? Why did I even see him? Why did he…_

“Save me?” Connor mumbled. He stayed very still, then slowly lifted his head. The evidence was conflicting; everything pointed to Evan being upset with him, but if that was true, why didn’t Evan let him die? He supposed Evan just wasn’t the kind of guy to let that happen, but if that were true, why hadn’t Evan told him something? Why had Evan been silent?

And then it dawned on Connor that he didn’t even really have any proof that Evan felt one way or the other. He didn’t have a decisive action or statement that couldn’t be interpreted as something or another thing. He needed to get some proof. He needed to hear Evan say it, to get some kind of closure that he was either forgiven or not. He couldn’t keep going on with the ambiguity of Evan’s feelings about not just the event, but about Connor in general.

He needed to go back to the orchard.

 

(((author's note. The first three chapters were published so close together because they were pre-written and the author had free time. Now the author is beginning their first year of highschool, and with an Honor's US History class and marching band, no less. Updates may become less frequent. Still, do not hesitate to share and keep commenting! Despite my funny way of speaking in the notes, I really really do appreciate when people comment on my works. It gives me the motivation to continue this story. I have it all planned out in my head, and I would love for it to unravel before I lose interest, which can sometimes happen. If you really enjoy this work, let people know about it and comment! I would really appreciate it as an amateur author. This is kind of my first story, and I'm wearing myself out to make sure it's absolutey the best it can be.)))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter question is: Why did Evan stay silent?  
> The first person to answer this correctly will recieve something somewhere sometime that surely does not exist in our realm.  
> Oh and they also get a shout out and a tbh or whatever
> 
> This chapter's winner:  
> Nobody.  
> Nobody could look up "Betula Papyrifera".  
> Apparently.  
> TBH, that's not scholarly or practical. Please do keep up.


	5. The Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OKAY  
> Here are some reasons I haven't been updating  
> -part of my therapy is to start going on frequent car rides.
> 
> I'm deathly afraid of being in a car, more so than even a ROLLER COASTER. I mean, those things are automated and programmed to move on a track and they're safety tested, cars are free driven by PEOPLE that sometimes dont know what theyre doing, or are too distracted or intoxicated to know. Like, cars are GIANT FUCKING METAL DEATH MACHINES and i'm not okay with that. I can't be in a vehicle unless i'm listening to music to distract me from the fact that OH MY GOD IM IN A SPEEDING CRUSHABLE TIN CAN WITH SOME WHEELS!!! So that's a thing I have to deal with. Rip me and my psyche. 
> 
> Band camp is also taking a lot out of me. I get up at 6, show up at 8 AM get home and 8 PM. Our first game is TOMORROW and I still haven't memorized our fight song (but i can play our ballad 'yesterday' by the beatles front to back to front again). Also excersize, ew. 
> 
> ALSO: I have started an ask blog which I have become quite invested in (im running out of characters) so CHECK THAT OUT HERE https://schooldragonchic.tumblr.com/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to comment, and tell the nearest air particle about this chapter, as it will give me a few more years onto my life already lost from stress and anxiety so that I can continue my story.

Connor lay awake in his bed. He had so many questions running like electric shocks through his brain, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He felt impatient and eager to go back to the orchard. He tried willing himself to sleep, but he couldn’t do it. He had questions that needed answering, and they needed answering now.

Connor quietly opened his Closet door. He grabbed a pair of sneakers, and slipped them on. He made his way to the window before sliding it open, and looking out. 

Nobody was outside, at least not anyone he could see from his window.  _ Good,  _ he thought,  _ this won’t take very long.  _ He took a pillow and large comforter, throwing them both out of the window. Looking at where they had landed on the ground, Connor felt his nerves begin to shoot fire under his skin. “I seriously hope that’s enough padding for this,” he mumbled to himself. He carefully lifted one of his legs, putting it out of the window, and holding on to the windowsill for balance. He pulled the other leg out so that he was sitting in the window. He swallowed hard, and held his grip. 

_ It’s now or never. _

Connor threw himself down onto the blankets and pillows that were placed onto the ground, and landed with a soft thud. He rolled off of the cushioning mess, and groaned. Yep, his back would be sore all week. But it was worth it. He got up, and looked around. He stayed away from the view of any of the many windows around his house, and snuck down the driveway, onto the road. He began walking as fast as his aching legs would allow him to. 

Connor rarely walked anywhere. It made his sides burn and his stomach flip. He supposed he was just pretty out of shape from, well...not walking anywhere. His lungs weren’t in the best condition, either; and the weed didn’t help. Nevertheless, he persisted in walking to the orchard. He looked up at the sky, trying to name all of the constellations he and Evan made together. He recognized a familiar Y shape. Betula Papyrifera. He chuckled, remembering how he came home and searched it on google, and spent his night laughing in Zoe’s room about how Evan  _ literally  _ named a constellation “paper birch” because he just loves trees so much that he casually knows their god damn scientific name. Connor found himself laughing again. He thought it was adorable.

Connor flinched at a loud honking noise, vision now returning to the illuminated street, and the car in front of him. A man peeked his head out of the window, yelling at Connor. “GET OUT OF THE FUCKING ROAD, CRACKHEAD!”

Connor scowled, and flipped him off, before moving to the sidewalk. The car continued on it’s path, and Connor shook off the lingering feeling of anger. He cleared his head, and focused on the road ahead of him.

After about thirty minutes, Connor came across the opening to the Orchard. He sighed, thinking about all of the things him and Evan had done here. His smile felt sad and small when he realised how much he missed that. How much he missed Evan.

Connor walked down the path slowly, trying to take in the view that surrounded him. The moon had just begun to rise, bathing the area in a dim, serene light. There was a light breeze that pushed the branches of the trees back and forth like windchimes. The trees left long strips of shadow across the ground, like a zebra pattern on the grass. The crickets were chirping in Connor’s ear. He looked around at the world, and found it almost phantasmagorical.

He finally came across the hill where the large Oak sat isolated from the rest of the orchard. He swallowed nervously, and peered a little closer at the tree from afar. Sure enough, a silhouette sat under the tree, leaning against the trunk. Connor felt a strong emotion ramming him from within his chest. It almost brought him to tears. It was something between relief and fear. He stumbled toward the tree, gradually gaining speed until he was practically running at it. “Evan!”

The silhouette turned to face Connor, standing up, and walking slightly forward. His face came into the light, and Connor recognized the face immediately; a light sheen of freckles, plump cheeks and effervescent sky blue eyes. 

Connor ran faster and faster, as fast as his legs could go, and practically lunged for Evan. Evan jumped back a bit, and Connor fell on his face. He mumbled a few curse words, but managed to lift his head in time to see Evan, fixated in the air, floating carefully back down, and letting his feet rest on the grass. Connor felt like he wanted to cry. He never thought he would see Evan ever again, except maybe in a photo.

Or a casket.

He brought himself to his feet, and looked at Evan. He was totally silent, incredulous of what was happening right now. 

“...Evan?” He said, breathlessly. 

Evan looked awkward. He stumbled over his words. “U-um...yes? I-I think so.”

Connor shook his head a little bit. “Can you...can you physically, actually touch me?” He asked, mouth hanging slightly in shock. He raised a hand, pushing it to his chest.

Evan looked Connor up and down, before starting to carefully walk toward him. He held out a shaky hand, and poked Connor’s arm. Sure enough, it was completely tangible, and Connor felt a sudden warmth in his skin, contrasting the cool summer night breeze. He felt like he had actually been touched by someone real and Alive. 

Connor shook his head. This couldn’t be real. He decided he had to find out.

“Evan, god, this is gonna sound so fucking weird, but I need you to punch me.”

Evan’s eyes widened, taken aback. “W-what?”

Connor gripped the fabric on his chest tightly. “You heard right. Punch me. This can’t be a dream. If it were, I…” He trailed off, swallowing thickly, and looking at his feet. “I don't think that I could handle that.” He looked back up at Evan, expression full of determination. “So punch me. Hard, preferably.”

Evan looked at Connor, and then raised his hand, and fixed his gaze on it. Slowly curling it into a fist, he looked back at Connor, and hesitantly hit Connor lightly on the cheek, more so just pushing his face kind of quickly.

Connor, seemingly unsatisfied, just sort of hit his chest again, like a silent request to try again. Evan scrunched his face closed, pulled back, and hit him with more force, this time on his chest. It sent Connor stumbling backwards, onto the ground. He rolled a little bit due to the decline of the hill. He heard Evan gasp, and begin to rush over to him. He pushed himself up off of the ground, and rubbed his chest where the impact was. He heard Evan fretting beside him.

“O-oh god, im so so so so so s-s-sorry, I-I didn’t mean to do it that hard! A-are you okay?” He rested a careful hand on Connor’s shoulder. Connor lifted his head to look at Evan in disbelief. Tears blurred his vision, streaking down his face. Evan looked extremely worried. “Oh no, I h-hurt you, oh god y-you’re c-c-crying, oh no, oh no, i’m really really really sorry C-Connor! I promise i didn’t m-mean to!” Evan looked like he was about to cry too. But Connor just smiled, and pulled Evan into a tight hug.

“I can’t...I can’t believe…” he hiccuped, and cried harder, “...you’re really here...I thought...I th-thought…Jared though...Ev-everyone thought you were… gone, like… FOREVER.” The last part was a little more strained that Connor had intended. Evan looked at Connor, and just held him gently. The touch was oddly warm and inviting. Connor always saw in the media that this encounter would render him feeling cold, like he was being haunted, but Evan felt so real. It was like he was actually, truly here. Connor smiled, feeling a sense of Euphoria. Evan pulled away, all too soon, to get a good look at Connor. He stood up, and held out his hand for Connor to grab. Connor accepted it, and as soon as Connor was balanced, Evan walked backwards towards the tree. 

“We have a lot of catching up to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter question is:  
> Why are these questions not being answered?  
> Seriously like i feel a tad bit jarred
> 
> Oh well. I'll just hand out rhetorical questions that I will end up answering later in the story.  
> Why is Evan's touch warm and not cold?  
> Why does he shy away "all too soon"?
> 
> These will be important plot points, please remember.


	6. The discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow would you look at that? Two updates back to back.  
> Sorry for being so inactive, i'm really busy with other things and the medicine that helps me focus works for like...a few hours. Then I just feel exhausted and I don't want to do anything. It's getting to the point sometimes that I have to start writing outside to keep myself from getting distracted (which is like my only strategy for focus). It's not that I don't enjoy writing this book, of course I do! I just don't really enjoy putting effort into much anything when it's already being put into everything, you know? I need a break, yikes.
> 
> ALSO: I wrote this chapter sitting in a tree. Yes, in a tree. I climbed a tree with a laptop in my arms to write this chapter, and I almost dropped said laptop. Love me.
> 
> Maybe i would feel more motivated if I got more comments? Idk maybe. I love comments so I don't care if you give me MULTIPLE because I really like them, they're like little mini presents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to comment, and tell a couple of pretty looking rocks about this chapter, as it will bio-engineer a second brain attached to my head so that I can continue my story.

 

Connor sat next to Evan under the base of the tree. Evan picked awkwardly at the hem of his shirt. Connor expected it to feel like old times, but it felt awkward. Connor felt a million questions bubbling up inside of his chest. So, he let one loose.

“Why did you…” Connor’s sentence trailed off. That was probably something he shouldn’t ask. Evan looked at the ground, face full of guilt. Connor shook his head. “Nevermind that. Why are you here? Well, more like how?” Connor looked at Evan’s face perk up a bit in confusion. Evan looked at the tree. “I don’t really know how. I woke up here. I thought I had failed, but it didn’t even hurt, so I climbed back up to uh…” he stared up at the tree’s canopy blankly. He didn’t finish that thought. “But When I looked back down, I was just...There. :aying there, I was…” He seemed a bit uncomfortable. Connor didn’t know what to do, so he just reached over and pat Evan’s back. Evan leaned in a little closer. Connor drew circles on his back to calm him down. Evan seemed fragile, and Connor understood why. Connor saw the same thing Evan did in his dream. “You don’t have to tell me any more if you don’t want to, Evan.”

Evan nodded. Connor thought of a less emotionally taxing question. “So...can everyone see you or is it just me?” Evan bit his lip in thought, but shrugged. “I don’t know. I dont really want to test that theory, honestly. So whenever I see someone I kind of just...climb the tree and hide. I hope there aren’t any avid tree climbers that want to climb a haunted tree any time soon.” He let out a nervous chuckle. Connor shrugged. “Why don’t you just leave the tree then?” 

Evan sighed, and stood up. He began walking down the hill. Connor went to follow him, walking next to him. “Where are we going?” Connor asked. Evan just kept walking, and stopped at the edge of the hill. Connor looked ahead, and kept walking. He walked in front of Evan, looking him in the eyes. Connor understood immediately. “You can’t go any further, can you?”

Evan shook his head. “I can’t go past the tree’s roots, and I guess they stop here.” He pointed at the ground below him. “Believe me,” he said, “I’ve tried.” He looked sadly at his feet, then began to trudge back up the hill. Connor followed, and Evan began talking again. 

“I like being close to the tree anyways. It’s easier to hide if people walk by.” Connor nodded. He took this time walking back to pay close attention to Evan’s little tics and quirks, not knowing when he would see them again. His original question, the one he’d been meaning to ask, kept coming back to mind, and he desperately needed an answer. 

When they came back to the base of the tree, Evan sat down, and patted the space next to him. Connor took this as an invitation to sit by him. Connor took a deep breath, in and out, and turned to Evan. Evan looked back at Connor, and Connor scanned his eyes for some kind of emotion. He didn’t quite recognize what he saw, and he couldn’t tell what it was, so Connor proceeded. 

“This might be hard to answer, but I need to know. I have to.” He couldn’t take looking at Evan’s face anymore, so he drove his attention to the ground. “Did you...is this...Did I cause this, Evan? Was I too much to handle? Did I not try hard enough? Did I hurt you somehow? If I did, I know it’s...it’s kinda too late to apologize, but I really do feel sorry, I shouldn’t have....Shouldn’t have-”

He was cut off by A hand over his mouth. It was Evan’s. Evan looked like he was about to cry.  _ Nice going, you hurt him again. Damnit, Connor! _ But Evan just pulled him into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I shouldn’t have just left you to wonder if it was your fault like that.It should have gone differently. I…” Evan looked away. “I almost  _ didn’t  _ do it because of you, Connor. I would have missed you too much. I do miss you, far too much. I wish I hadn’t done this, if I knew this is what it would be like, then I never would have done this at all. I wouldn’t even think about the idea. Connor, i’m so s-sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you. I promise.” Evan teared up even more, and Connor couldn’t help feeling himself start to cry as well.  _ By the end of this, I probably won’t have any tears left, _ he thought.

He and Evan just sat there for a while, saying nothing, and holding each other. Connor would be lying if he said he didn’t miss this. He felt like now that Evan was here, everything was okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment because im desperate okay thank you
> 
> also check out my tumblr blogs:
> 
> https://disgraceravenclaw.tumblr.com/ is my main art/fucking around blog 
> 
> https://schooldragonchic.tumblr.com/ is my ask half dragon connor blog


	7. the uhoh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops

Highschool kicked my mcfucking butt :^) 

so now i'm not inspired to continue this

I feel like, with that last chapter, it could have been the end  
But if you want all the heart shredding angst then I could briefly summarize it for u cus i cant flesh it out

~SUMMARY~

so evan like totally just fucking dies and connor is sad and he goes to the tree and hes like "Oh ghost" and he goes back home and hes like "WAIT OH GHOST IS EV" and he goes back and ev is the oh ghost and theyre gay for a bit

yall already read that

so from then of, Connor starts talking to Evan about his issues and whatever  
and theres a bunny that lives by the tree and she likes evan and evan names her anastasia  
then connor is doing good because his best friend isnt actually gone forever  
Then feelings start blossoming and they get ready to live their lives as an interdimensional gay couple, hoorah hoorah

and thats the end OwO

But thats not the end, because im a monster

So remember how Connor was all "Why do I feel nice and warm when evan is around instead of clod like i would expect?"  
and he realizes that he starts sleeping more and eating less but thats not bothering him  
then suddenly evan's rabbit anastasia just keels over dead  
and evan is like...."oh no"

and he goes to connor like "Connor everything I touch dies I cant be with you" and connor is all like "What? fuck that i would die for you" and evans like "no babe come on we talked about this"

anyway, Evan banishes connor (i say banish but he really just convinces him to never come back)

and then I guess that night theres a huge storm, like a huge ass storm

And Connor is walking back to the park the next day like "I dont care i decided evan is my waifu and im gonna pull a fucking juliet here" and he goes to the hill and

 

 

 

the tree was struck down by lightning

 

and because that was Evans anchor to the mortal plane

evan is gone forever

And zoe sees Connor just standing by that tree, and she knows how much Connor cares about that tree for like some weird reason and shes all

"Connor are you alright"

and hes silent for a real long time. And then he's all

 

 

 

"Yeah. I think i'm okay."

 

 

 

 

and that was the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops

**Author's Note:**

> Today's chapter question is: Why does Evan try to convince himself that Connor hates him?  
> The first person to answer this correctly is a nerd. A lovable nerd.  
> Oh and they also get a shout out and a tbh or whatever
> 
> This chapter's winner:  
> Me (disrav)  
> because there was not a previous chapter and thusly no question, and my answer was a low hum and a vivacious ticking noise.  
> TBH, Disrav is pretty funky. Keep up that jazz, good fo da soul.


End file.
